This Buds For You, George.

This Buds For You, George.

Every once in awhile, I meet some special people. When I decide to tell them about the website, the most typical response is them telling me their precious ideas about what I should write on, or how this site could be 'improved'. Let this be a note to you, dear reader, I do not care about your opinions. My opinions are perfect and yours are not. Why would I need to borrow them?

There is, however, a small percentage of people whose opinions are pretty fucking funny and worthy of my attention. Not to mention, by posting their ideas, I have the added advantage of being able to make a post with very little work involved (and, consequently, being able to tell George that I fucking updated and wrote something, so he can leave me alone).

Without further a due I present to you all Mike, our featured writer of the day. In case you're wondering why I chose to post his work instead of the shitpile you may have sent me because you deemed it genius and felt a need to share it with me, Mike called me "A god among us mortals" while you did not. Flattery will get you a front page update (if it is funny). Keep that in mind for the future my special readers. Now leave me alone George.

By Mike:

I fucking knew I should have never gotten out of bed today. Some times just knowing that I am going to cross the paths of the countless morons that we call “other people” is just so exciting I go back to sleep.

Today of course the adventure began with the age-old practice of “the commute”. I have long understood what makes people open fire on other drivers, but what dawned on me today is fucking confounding.

Here is the thing: when you do something over and over again it amounts to practice. We are fooled into the phrase “practice makes perfect” but clearly, for most people, what we really need to be thinking is “practice makes fucking retarded”.

You don’t agree? While my first inclination is to smack you on the nose with a rolled up newspaper while shouting “No! Bad!” I will, in my infinite wisdom, give you an example.

While driving to work today, and watching countless asshats doing stupid shit like making right turns from the left lane with their left blinker on, I had a moment of pure mental clarity. People not only do not know how to operate a goddamn car, but after countless years of practice, they actually get fucking worse at doing it. What is wrong with people?

We can train animals to learn through practice, it’s just a matter of voltage. Can we maybe do the same with drivers? While I guess sending a nice current through the genitals of dumbass drivers may be unpractical, we need a solution of reaching out and saying “NO! BAD!” without causing daily 100 car pileups.

Of course I have the solution! I propose that we change everyone’s license plate number to the phone number of a permanently installed and always on cellular phone that automatically answers on the second ring. I know, I am a genius. We can then reach out and touch someone every time they do some asshat driving move they learned while watching Cannonball Run.

I know what you are thinking…. You like the genital shocking idea. I do too, but well, I think my idea will still serve the same purpose. You can instigate a fight over the phone, pull over and kick someone right where it counts, get back in your car and drive away just as satisfied.

Well that’s about it, aren’t you glad you read this?

Mike

Eagerly awaiting 2012 so we can eat canned bacon while hiding underground from the zombies.