Fuck Evolution.

Fuck Evolution.

In a stunning development across the world, ‘the missing link’ has been found. I am of course referring to the recent discovery of the fossil Lemur that expert’s say proves to be a transitional fossil between apes and lemurs. A transitional fossil is a fossil that shares characteristics of one species with those of another (in case you were wondering).

If you’ve recently sent me an e-mail, IM, text message or spoken to me about this in person, I’ve likely shrugged you off and claimed that I hadn’t heard about this magical discovery. The reason? Because you have fallen victim to tool-fad syndrome and I am trying not to get infected. Tool-fad syndrome, in a nutshell, is when people with no knowledge of a given topic feel a need to exert themselves on that topic despite not having a clue what it is they’re talking about. I first noticed this several years ago when people would argue Philosophy without any actual understanding of philosophy beyond an intro course that they managed to get a B+ in. The virus has since spread across other areas of study; it is without a doubt an epidemic and if you meet anyone with it, I suggest running far away or lightning them on fire, which is the only proven method to killing someone infected with tool-fad syndrome.

If you are infected and are one of the many who thought I’d side with you claiming that this discovery was some grandiose saving of evolutionary theory, let me offer you some advice: stop falling for stupid shit. If you’re not knowledgeable in a topic, don’t fucking try and talk about it. If you think you’re knowledgeable because you read some online article and some Wikipedia entries then please at least offer me the curtsy of not sending me any more e-mails, they are a waste of my valuable time.

There is no doubt that evolution is true. There is no sensible argument against it. It is proven through the same rigorous process that gravity is proven to exist everyday. There are a few million ‘missing links’ left to be discovered. Some will be, some won’t be. This does not invalid evolution in any shape way or form. Half of the confusion that results from people who argue evolution is caused by dipshits like the ones I mentioned earlier arguing in favor of evolution without an understanding of it. That’s right, you might be part of the problem. In an effort to help you uncover if you are indeed part of the problem, I have created the following simple test:

Upon hearing about the discovery of the lemur fossil, did you think that Evolution had now been proven or gained some form of advancement?

Yes

No

If you answered yes, you are a moron. If you answered yes and e-mailed family and friends claiming that evolution had gained some momentous step, you are infected by tool-fad syndrome. Lighting yourself and anyone you’ve had physical contact with on fire may be the only way to redeem yourself. Be a man, save that evolutionary theory that you hold dear!