Fuck Evolution.

Fuck Evolution.

In a stunning development across the world, ‘the missing link’ has been found. I am of course referring to the recent discovery of the fossil Lemur that expert’s say proves to be a transitional fossil between apes and lemurs. A transitional fossil is a fossil that shares characteristics of one species with those of another (in case you were wondering).

If you’ve recently sent me an e-mail, IM, text message or spoken to me about this in person, I’ve likely shrugged you off and claimed that I hadn’t heard about this magical discovery. The reason? Because you have fallen victim to tool-fad syndrome and I am trying not to get infected. Tool-fad syndrome, in a nutshell, is when people with no knowledge of a given topic feel a need to exert themselves on that topic despite not having a clue what it is they’re talking about. I first noticed this several years ago when people would argue Philosophy without any actual understanding of philosophy beyond an intro course that they managed to get a B+ in. The virus has since spread across other areas of study; it is without a doubt an epidemic and if you meet anyone with it, I suggest running far away or lightning them on fire, which is the only proven method to killing someone infected with tool-fad syndrome.

If you are infected and are one of the many who thought I’d side with you claiming that this discovery was some grandiose saving of evolutionary theory, let me offer you some advice: stop falling for stupid shit. If you’re not knowledgeable in a topic, don’t fucking try and talk about it. If you think you’re knowledgeable because you read some online article and some Wikipedia entries then please at least offer me the curtsy of not sending me any more e-mails, they are a waste of my valuable time.

There is no doubt that evolution is true. There is no sensible argument against it. It is proven through the same rigorous process that gravity is proven to exist everyday. There are a few million ‘missing links’ left to be discovered. Some will be, some won’t be. This does not invalid evolution in any shape way or form. Half of the confusion that results from people who argue evolution is caused by dipshits like the ones I mentioned earlier arguing in favor of evolution without an understanding of it. That’s right, you might be part of the problem. In an effort to help you uncover if you are indeed part of the problem, I have created the following simple test:

Upon hearing about the discovery of the lemur fossil, did you think that Evolution had now been proven or gained some form of advancement?

Yes

No

If you answered yes, you are a moron. If you answered yes and e-mailed family and friends claiming that evolution had gained some momentous step, you are infected by tool-fad syndrome. Lighting yourself and anyone you’ve had physical contact with on fire may be the only way to redeem yourself. Be a man, save that evolutionary theory that you hold dear!

I Don't Support Breast Cancer & Nor Should You.

I Don't Support Breast Cancer & Nor Should You.

I have exactly one hobby in life: pissing people off. And boy, I’m I good at it. I can guarantee you that I’m able to do it in 15 minutes or less; it’s my piss off guarantee. If I don’t deliver a genuine pisser-offer within that timeframe, well, I won’t do anything. I don’t like people who guarantee anything; it pisses me off. A woman once told me that I couldn’t piss her off – 4.32 minutes later, she was pissed the fuck off. It’s a very rewarding hobby and I’ve got the entire process down to a science. It goes something like this:

Step one: Say or do something ‘mean’. I.E.: telling someone you don’t support helping to cure breast cancer.

Step two: Await reaction.

Step three: Laugh at reaction.

Step four: Await their next reaction.

Step five: Explain why you’re a superior being

Step six: Success.

I use this example because it’s grounded in reality: I don’t support breast cancer research and I think anyone who does is a mindless shill who doesn’t stop to think what they're supporting. I’m tired of these self-righteous pricks on a crusade to save things, fuck them. Everyone seems to have a ‘cause’ these days. “Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails,” fuck that. If I’m going to use my precious time to support a cause, I’m going to damn well be sure it’s worth supporting and breast cancer is not such a cause.

I’m a fan of second-base; don’t get me wrong. I’m all for ensuring that the statistical odds of me reaching it continue to stay high and anytime those odds get lower, I genuinely feel bad. I still don’t support breast cancer research though. Know why? It’s stupid to support. Know what I support instead? Cancer research. Here’s some interesting statistics about breast cancer for people who want to know what inspired this rant:

1- It receives the most amount of funding across all ‘types’ of cancer.

2-It’s not the leading cause of death among all the ‘types’ of cancer. (Third or fourth depending on which statistics you read).

3- It’s not even the leading cause of death among the ‘types’ of cancer for women. (It comes in second).

4- Unlike say lung cancer, research into breast cancer is completely useless in developing treatment for other forms of cancer. Curing breast cancer means that breast cancer will be cured. Curing lung cancer means that lung cancer is cured and five other forms of cancer are closer to being cured.

5- We actually declared a month towards supporting curing breast cancer. Think about the implications behind that. We declared an entire month to curing a specific type of cancer. It’s not ‘cancer month’, it’s ‘breast cancer month’. That means that we, society, have decided that breast cancer is just that much more important. Read over points 1-4 again. Still feel like breast cancer month is something you want to support?

Bet you feel stupid for buying that flower now. I don’t. Know why? Because I tell people who ask me to help support breast cancer that their mindless shills. Know why? Because they are. I’ll also bet you that a lot of people who read this got pissed off. I love pissing people off. Best hobby in the world. And boy, I’m I good at it!

This Buds For You, George.

This Buds For You, George.

Every once in awhile, I meet some special people. When I decide to tell them about the website, the most typical response is them telling me their precious ideas about what I should write on, or how this site could be 'improved'. Let this be a note to you, dear reader, I do not care about your opinions. My opinions are perfect and yours are not. Why would I need to borrow them?

There is, however, a small percentage of people whose opinions are pretty fucking funny and worthy of my attention. Not to mention, by posting their ideas, I have the added advantage of being able to make a post with very little work involved (and, consequently, being able to tell George that I fucking updated and wrote something, so he can leave me alone).

Without further a due I present to you all Mike, our featured writer of the day. In case you're wondering why I chose to post his work instead of the shitpile you may have sent me because you deemed it genius and felt a need to share it with me, Mike called me "A god among us mortals" while you did not. Flattery will get you a front page update (if it is funny). Keep that in mind for the future my special readers. Now leave me alone George.

By Mike:

I fucking knew I should have never gotten out of bed today. Some times just knowing that I am going to cross the paths of the countless morons that we call “other people” is just so exciting I go back to sleep.

Today of course the adventure began with the age-old practice of “the commute”. I have long understood what makes people open fire on other drivers, but what dawned on me today is fucking confounding.

Here is the thing: when you do something over and over again it amounts to practice. We are fooled into the phrase “practice makes perfect” but clearly, for most people, what we really need to be thinking is “practice makes fucking retarded”.

You don’t agree? While my first inclination is to smack you on the nose with a rolled up newspaper while shouting “No! Bad!” I will, in my infinite wisdom, give you an example.

While driving to work today, and watching countless asshats doing stupid shit like making right turns from the left lane with their left blinker on, I had a moment of pure mental clarity. People not only do not know how to operate a goddamn car, but after countless years of practice, they actually get fucking worse at doing it. What is wrong with people?

We can train animals to learn through practice, it’s just a matter of voltage. Can we maybe do the same with drivers? While I guess sending a nice current through the genitals of dumbass drivers may be unpractical, we need a solution of reaching out and saying “NO! BAD!” without causing daily 100 car pileups.

Of course I have the solution! I propose that we change everyone’s license plate number to the phone number of a permanently installed and always on cellular phone that automatically answers on the second ring. I know, I am a genius. We can then reach out and touch someone every time they do some asshat driving move they learned while watching Cannonball Run.

I know what you are thinking…. You like the genital shocking idea. I do too, but well, I think my idea will still serve the same purpose. You can instigate a fight over the phone, pull over and kick someone right where it counts, get back in your car and drive away just as satisfied.

Well that’s about it, aren’t you glad you read this?

Mike

Eagerly awaiting 2012 so we can eat canned bacon while hiding underground from the zombies.

It's The Thought That Counts...

It's The Thought That Counts...

No. It isn't.

Let’s get something straight from the get go, shall we? Human beings are shallow, vein, pity, [insert negative adjective here] beings. Pretending that this isn't the case is an effort in futile hypocrisy. Since engaging in said endeavors has become something of a national past-time among folks; what the hell, I'll join in with my usual approach to stupid arguments with something called common sense.

How many of my valiant readers would marry a disfigured but kind-hearted woman? Not many, I'd wager. Of course, says the voice in the back of the room, “not everyone is like that!” Thankfully, I've already prepared the standard reply to this flawed argument. The following is how one should approach this type of logic when you inevitably encounter it during your life-time.

Counter-argument: But Kyle, looks aren't everything! I would marry a disfigured woman if she had a great personality or [insert factor that would allow me to look passed the fact that she is disfigured.]

Kyle: Thank you for proving my point. Notice what you've just said? You've just made a point to note that a disfigured woman would need to have a quark that would allow you to look passed the fact that she was disfigured in order for you to marry her. How many times do you hear people need to defend the qualities needed in order to look passed the fact that a woman is attractive? If you said never, you're correct! That's because people are incapable of spouting that much bullshit. The mind refuses to do it. Even it has a tolerance and it draws the line right there. We like pretty people more than ugly people. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just how we are. Thanks for playing the “proof that human beings are vein” game.

With that out of the way, let’s move to the point of this rant. Malcolm recently received a Christmas gift from his girlfriend. It was a beautiful collection of pictures of the two of them. She carefully and meticulously crafted together this scrapbook and made it aesthetically pleasing, something I’m confident she’d hope that he would keep forever to remind him of their love. He was in the middle of telling me how sweet it was when I stopped him. The conversation went roughly as follows:

Kyle: She made you some cheap piece of scrapbook for Christmas? What the fuck type of gift is that?

Malcolm: It was sweet.

Kyle: That isn't a gift. That's just stupid.

Malcolm: You're just jealous because no one made you anything.

Kyle: No. I've had girlfriends make me stuff before. I told them that it was bullshit and that I didn't accept it has a gift. It's a cheap cope-out and it basically says, “I was too cheap to buy you a gift, so I made you something and I'm going to hide behind the fact that it's sweet and caring and loving so that you can't complain.”

Malcolm: You really are an asshole, you know that?

Kyle: It’s taken you this long to realize this?

The argument veered back and forth following the same basic premises. Malcolm would claim that it was a sweet and well thought out gift. I would tell him that he's being a moron and that if he looked at it logically, he'd agree with me. In the interest of tying together my previous point, I realize that this is an asshole thing to say. It doesn't make it any less true, however. People like gifts that they can use. A picture book is a cheap cope-out that avoids this. Don't believe me? Let’s look at some facts about relationships.

1. What's the first thing that you get rid of once a relationship goes sour? Pictures, letters, emails, and the occasional porn video that the two of you made together while drunk one night. Shit that no longer has value once the relationship ends.

2. What are the things that you never get rid of, despite the fact that a relationship goes sour? Good gifts that you could use. Know what I've kept from previous relationships? A computer screen, a guitar, an Xbox remote control, some drinking games, the fan in my room. Know what these all have in common? I can use them and they were good gifts. Seeing a pattern here?

While even I'll admit that I am not the be it end all of how people live their lives, I think most rational people will agree: no one keeps the scrapbook from the old girlfriend. It's even a pain to keep while you're still in the relationship but you keep it entirely out of guilt in case she ever asks what happened to it. If there was such a thing has emotional bonds to scrapbooks and poetry, why is it no one keeps them once the relationship ends? (NOTE: I realize that some pathetic souls actually do keep that junk but these are NOT the type of people we should strive to be in society.) If the thought is what counts, then why does the thought seem to go away (for most reasonable people) once a relationship ends?

Let’s take it a step further and examine this sentence, “It’s the thought that counts” and expose it for what it is. Okay? It counts for what, exactly? I assume for proof that the person cares? That an effort was put forward that should be rewarded and thanked? Notice that by using the same logic we use in everyday life, we quickly find out that this sentence is bullshit. We made the whole thing up in order to make ourselves feel better. Don't believe me? Here's what would happen in everyday life if 'the thought counted' for anything other than making people feel better about themselves.

Example 1:

Nurse: Doctor! The patient is dying!

Doctor: Dammit! I'm doing all I can here. I keep thinking and thinking but it isn't working!

Example 2:

Teacher: You didn't write anything on your paper.

Student: Gee whiz sir, I certainly gave it a lot of thought though. That's got to count for something.

This is the type of logic that Malcolm (AND YOU DEAR READER) is employing in regards to love. If you think that the above two examples are stupid, it's because they are. And so are you. Don't feel bad, you've taken the first step towards recovery by reading this. For our more adventurous readers, I'd like to offer a quaint suggestion has to what you should say the next time you're faced with someone who 'makes' you a gift.

You: This is a stupid gift. If you didn't have the money or the reasoning capacity to buy me a good gift, you should have just told me that instead of insulting my intelligence by getting me some junk that I have to keep in my room to ease your insecurities about our relationship and whether or not I love you. By the way, I can't love someone who can't buy me a gift – so I suppose that your gift did work in some odd way. Take care now.

Edit: My apologies for the non-frequent updates this week. Next week should have quite a bit of material up.

Automated Verbal Donkey Diarrhea (AVDD).

This rant is brought to you by Kyle on 11/08/08

I am tired of automatic statements that have been forced into our everyday language without any thought given to them. The following are examples of these statements: have a nice day, see you later, take care, etc. People are far too complacent; we’ve fallen into a trend that we can’t get out of and we don’t even acknowledge it exists. What if I’ve just gotten news that my best friend caught AIDS from a transsexual encounter in a back alley? How can I be expected to have a nice day after learning that the rest of his now short life will be filled with humor about his sexual choices? Having a nice day is far too much pressure. It’s an unrealistic goal. Ask yourself this for proof: when was the last time you had a nice day? Please remember, that's an all inclusive day; 24 hours without one slight unpleasant fraction of a second. It’s just too difficult to do. You cannot control all 24 hours in a day and ensure that they will all be pleasant.

This all came to me when I saw a mother on the street telling her child to “be a good little boy.” The nerve of some parents! How can this child be expected to be good for the rest of his remaining years has an infant? Not only that but how can he control being little? This child is now faced with hoping that his genetic disposition keeps his height below 5’4 (midget size) all the while he needs to stay ‘good’ for the remainder of his life. Let’s not even explore the dilemma that would arise if he wanted a sex change. Because of the mother’s phrasing, he’s now faced with two possible outcomes:

a> He could be a ‘good little boy’, following his mother’s requests and never experience life or more likely,

b> He will not be a ‘good little boy’, thus failing his mother and causing Freudian worshipers everywhere to not shut the fuck up for at least another decade.

This is clear empirical proof that the before mentioned sentences need to go for the good of mankind. Being the productive member of society that I am, I’d like to offer some suggestions towards fixing this complex problem.

1. Contain yourself: It seems to me that the root of this problem is that we aren’t setting realistic goals. Had the mother said, “be a good little boy for the next 30 seconds while I try to find you a new daddy by bending over and flaunting what’s under my short skirt” , then we would have avoided this rant completely. I am weary of any statement that doesn’t have limitations; you should be too. People have grown accustomed to using them and I’ve taken it upon myself to ensure that this trend ends immediately. Instead tell people to have, "a nice next few moments" or "please have a decently satisfactory before noon". These are all achievable goals.

2. Stop using language for the sake of talking: It seems to me that people have made language into an automated mechanism. We’ve stopped thinking about what we say and have instead opted for spouting verbal diarrhea at every opportunity. It’s gotten progressively worse throughout my lifetime and it’s about time we make a collective stand against it.

Let's start being more realistic. Remember kids, only you can help stop stupidity from spreading any further. This could be the generation that does it!

“I dream of a better tomorrow. A tomorrow where a chicken may cross the street without having his motives questioned.” - Unknown